Tales of Tech Support
(and other weirdness for the technically impaired)
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Tales of Tech Support |
Web Terminology | Computer Commands | High Tech Redneck
Political Viruses | Star Trek Crew Versus Bill Gates | Tech Support Glossary
A Guide To Software Revisions | 50 Ways to Leave Your 'Puter
Side Splitters From Tech Support:
Help Desk Horror These are stories from help desks around the country. ------------------------------------------ At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up. ---------------------------------------- Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop- up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.) Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?" Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?" ---------------------------------------- One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book." ---------------------------------------- Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?" ---------------------------------------- Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." Customer: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer "No..." ---------------------------------------- Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" ---------------------------------------- Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC." Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?" Customer: "I can't open the box." Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there." Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...." ---------------------------------------- Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive- go to A:> \ and type 'dir'." Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'. Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again." Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?" Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?" Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter? ---------------------------------------- At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars. Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network." Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage." Customer: "What is that?" Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer." Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ." ---------------------------------------- And the best for last!!!! Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work." Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?" Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all." Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?" Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either." Tech Support: "You did what sir?" Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit." Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective." Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in. Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?" Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out." Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?" Silence. Tech Support: "Sir?" Customer: "Yes." Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?" Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?" Customer: "Ummmm." Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?" Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!" Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."
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1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because
I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional,
at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder?
Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
RE: Web Terminology
Dilberted To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Link Rot The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.
Chip Jewelry A euphamism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Crapplet A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Plug-and-Play A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."
World Wide Wait The real meaning of WWW.
CGI Joe A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
Dead Tree Edition The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Egosurfing Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.
Graybar Land The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Open-Collar Workers People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Brain Fart A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.
Cobweb Site A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
It's a Feature From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Career-Limiting Move (CLM) Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Elvis Year The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."
Alpha Geek The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Adminisphere The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Tourists People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Blowing Your Buffer Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"
Gray Matter Older, experienced business people hired by young entrpreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Bookmark To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."
Nyetscape Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.
Beepilepsy The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Salmon Day The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Computer Commands You'd Like To See...
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent; they only think they are.
My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
-------- The information went data way --------
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
C:\ File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pain in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Press -- to continue ...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Computer Error Messages:
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent; they only think they are.
My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
-------- The information went data way --------
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
C:\ File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pain in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Press -- to continue ...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
How To Tell If You Might Be a High Tech Redneck:
If your email address ends in ".over.yonder.com" If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page" If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop" If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson" If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone If your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT" If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go"...and you still don't miss her If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal If you start all your emails with the words "Howdy y'all" If your spell checker knows words like "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon" If your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPU's, Printers, Modems, and Monitors If your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" Hard drive IF THREE OR MORE APPLY then you are DEFINITELY a Hi-Tech Redneck!
Political Viruses You'd Like To See:
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds
of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, the screen splits
erratically with the same message appearing on each side of the
screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused
by the other side.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS (variation): Runs every program on the hard
drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish
anything.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear
mysteriously a year later in another directory.
BILL CLINTON VIRUS: Suddenly appears from nowhere, promises to
upgrade all your applications, gains control of your computer, then
totally corrupts your entire system for four years.
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains
loudly about foreign software.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system,
just before the whole thing quits.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do
anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating
"Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill
up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then
blames it on the CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but
ewe can't figyour outt watt!
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back.
O.J. VIRUS: It claims that it did not, could not, and would not
delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did do it.
O.J. VIRUS (variation): You know it's guilty of trashing your system,
but you just can't prove it.
BOBBIT VIRUS: Removee a vital part of your hard disk then
re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again).
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly
shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around.
It warns you of impending hard disk attack. Once if by LAN, twice
if
by
C.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, and then
self-destructs--only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be heard from again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up,
then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on
expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your
PC
and erases tham in "self-defense".
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in L.A. but your data winds up in
Dallas.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong
and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GALLUP VIRUS: 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of
their data, 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error)
AT&T VIRUS: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are
getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're
paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes and ask for money.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless your buy new
cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no
virus has gone before.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus" but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
NEW WORLD VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.
NEW YORK JETS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine preform like a 286/AT.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last
in the reviews, but you still love it anyway.
AVOID COMPUTER VIRUSES - PRACTICE SAVE HEX.
(only computer programmers will understand this joke ^)
Star Trek Crew versus Bill Gates:
Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success
with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg?
And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their
command pathways?
Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer
by searching through our archives on late
Twentieth-century computing technology.
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the
computer screen.
Riker [puzzled]: What the hell is Microsoft?
Data [turns to explain]: Allow me to explain. We will
send this program, for some reason called Windows
3.11, through the Borg command pathways. Once
inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate.
Picard: But we've seen the Borg have the ability to
adapt. Won't they just alter their processing systems to
increase their capacity?
Data: Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects
unused power, it creates a new version of itself known
as an upgrade that won't run on existing hardware.
This use of resources increases exponentially with
each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
ability will be taken over just to run Windows and none
will be available for normal operational functions.
Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than
that unsolvable geometric shape idea.
. . . . MUCH LATER . . .
Data: Sorry Captain, we had no idea installing it
would be so much time-consuming, but we have now
successfully placed the Windows in the Borg's
command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed
85% of all resources. However, we have not received
any confirmation of the expected upgrade.
Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase
in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no
indication of an upgrade to compensate for their
increase. However I do notice a tremendous increase
in the number of Borgs required for technical support.
Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and
determine if there is something we may have missed.
Data: Ah, apparently history records that the first
upgrades come in a useless form called "vaporware", a
concept I am not equipped to understand. The actual
Windows upgrades took up to 10 times as long to
appear as Microsoft claimed. This may unfortunately
prove disastrous to us since we are depending upon
that upgrade.
Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting
permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F!
Geordi: [excited] Wait, Captain! Their available
CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!
Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?
Data: [studying displays]: Appearently the Borg
have found an internal Windows module named
Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.
Picard: Let's wait and see how long this Solitaire
can reduce their functionality.
. . . . 15 MINUTES LATER . . .
Picard: Data, status.
Data: Proceeding as planned sir. Windows 3.11
has forced the Borg to accept Windows '95. We had to
change a few IRQs and DIP switches to make it work,
but now, although the Borg had increased their
capacity by over 500% from previous levels, Windows
'95 is taking up so many resources the Borg have no
more power available to them than they did before.
Picard: Excellent; will the situation hold until the
next upgrade?
Data: The Borg are expanding their capacity and
attempting to load their own command modules into it,
however Windows '95 will not work with any other
system and is destroying the more sophisticated Borg
software by copying itself over it. They would have to
shut Windows down to prevent this, but they have not
figured out that they need to push the "Start" button to
shut Windows down.
Geordi [looking into scanner]: We have a problem
here people. The Borg have managed to triple their
system's computing potential in the last 5 minutes. It
appears we may have underestimated the Borg's
capacity to...
Data [accessing history db]: We will be safe for now
sir. One of Windows '95 major features is called DOS.
It prevents powerful systems from running too fast by
requiring lots of "16-bit" instructions. The Borg's tactic
has only marginally improved their situation.
Geordi: Data, didn't you tell me that Windows
improves itself by copying more sophisticated software?
If it assimilates the Borg's modules...
Data: Yes, but that process takes decades, which
will not be of concern to us.
. . . . 30 MINUTES LATER . . .
Picard: Where is that upgrade Data?
Data [studying sensor readouts]: Sir, I believe there
is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Apparently
the Borg have learned from their first mistake and did
not send in their Windows '95 registration cards.
Geordi: Data, what about the CDs? [Turning to
captain] Captain, we have discovered something called
the multimedia CD. They were supposed to work
smoothly in this version of Windows, but the data banks
show that a great deal of effort was spent by Windows
users troubleshooting them. If we could just find a CD
the Borgs would be interested in...but most of them
weren't made for Windows '95....
Worf: Captain! Another vessel has entered this
sector.
Picard: Identify.
Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the
Microsoft logo...
[over the speakers] This is Lord Bill Gates
commanding the premiere Microsoft ship MONOPOLY
NT. We have positive confirmation of unregistered
software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we
can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to
comply.
Picard: Data, are the Borg complying?
Data: I believe they are trying sir; they are
attempting to run a module called the Registration
Wizard. However, their Windows system is busy right
now...
Geordi: Thank heavens it doesn't multitask.
Data: That is not entirely correct. It multitasks
certain kinds of programs, but if the event queue is
blocked...
Picard: Data, we don't need the entire explanation.
As long as it doesn't work...
Data: The MONOPOLY has just opened its forward
hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped
objects.
Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!
Riker: My God, captain! Those are human beings
floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life
support suits! How can they survive the tortures of
deep space?!
Data: I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If
you will look closer I believe you will see that they are
carrying something recognized by 21st century man as
doeskin leather briefcases, and they're wearing Armani
suits.
Riker and Picard, together [horrified] Lawyers!!
Geordi: It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded
up and sent hurtling into the sun during the Great
Awakening of 2017.
Data: True, but Microsoft's greatest achievements
were in the areas of litigation and marketing; they must
have been unwilling to give up all of their most valuable
resources.
Riker: Captain, the lawyers have surrounded the
Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers!
Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular
as red tape. It often proves fatal.
Riker: They're tearing the Borg to pieces!
Picard [turning away from viewscreen]: Turn the
monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch. Even the Borg
don't deserve such a gruesome death!
Riker: Captain, what about the MONOPOLY?
Data: No danger there sirs. Apparently they had to
"reboot" the ship, and Admiral Gates is having a
tantrum, leaving us with enough time to warp to safety.
. . . . 15 MINUTES LATER . . .
Picard [from Ready Room]: Mr. Data, what is this
"GPF" readout on my screen!?...
Tech Support Glossary:
Technical Support Department
The group in any institution responsible for maintaining the
vast array of incompatible and legacy systems. Requires skill
in millions of computer and software packages, as well as
human psychology, computer psychology, divination, and debate.
(See also: masochist)
User
Anyone not involved in technical support. (See also: sadist)
Computer Literacy
The condition of immunity and indestructibility confered
upon a user after having read the title page of any book
or document using the title words "Getting Started".
Computer (AKA: Hardware)
A largish set of boxes tied together with various loops
of cable and which is impervious to damage and tampering.
It is usually deliberately booby trapped by tech support
to explode or commit other acts of treachery at random
intervals or whenever the user is distracted.
System
A large, complicated, and involuted plot to undermine the
user's career and goals.
Manual
To operate by hand. A process which is not mechanized or
automated. A situation computers were designed to prevent.
Therefore, something tech support people should read so
users don't have to.
Problem Report
A convenient means of shifting resposibility for a tangled
and messy situation to another department.
Bug
Any event where the system did not perform to the user's
expectations, but which did not actually prevent the user
from doing that they needed to do.
Error
Any event where the system did not perform to the user's
expectations, and bothered to tell the user that it was
incapable of the desired action.
Fatal Error (AKA: General Protection Fault)
The computer's last ditch attempt to explain to the user
that there are limits to what the system's design can
accomplish, and that the user is exceeding these limits.
The name, however, is derived from the homicidal nature
of the user during these situations and the mistake made
when the previous tech support person attempted to explain
it to the user.
Error Message
Excuses offered by the machine for why it could not perform
the desired action. No one wants to hear the user's
excuses, so why should the user listen to the machine's?
Virus
Clever freeware that can be blamed for almost anything by
either the user or the tech support person.
Crash
The sound made by the computer when it hit the floor while
cleaning, the wall due to frustration, or the window on its
way to the street.
Reboot
For the user, the complete loss of two months hard labor
because the tech support person will not admit the existence
of a Magic Switch. From the tech support side, the modern
day analog to Alexander and the Gordian Knot.
Backup
What?
Magic Switch
A secret command, switch, button, or lever which the user
is subconciously certain exists, and which can be activated
by tech support and make everything all better.
(Note: There is some foundation to this rumor. On older IBM
PC's and clones this was referred to as The Big Red Switch.)
Internet
The worlds largest collection of networked computer systems,
allowing information transfer and collaboration across the
nation and the world. This system, like any other network,
can properly be described by the equation:
P = e^C
Where C is the number of computers and P is the total
perversity of the assembled system.
A Guide to Software Revisions
A Guide to Software Revisions:
Once you start
playing with software you quickly become aware that each
software package has a revision code attached to it. It is
obvious that
this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product,
but in
reality there's substantially more information available through
the
revision code than that. This article provides a guide for
interpreting
the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.
% 1.0:
Also know as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the development team had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.
% 1.1:
We fixed all the killer bugs...
% 1.2:
Uh, we introduced a few new bugs when we were fixing the killer bugs, and so we had to fix them, too..
% 2.0:
We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on that.
% 2.1:
Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.
% 2.2:
Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!
% 2.3:
Some pain-in-the-neck customer found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and has been pestering us to take care of it.
% 3.0:
Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.
% 3.1:
Of course we did break a few little things.
% 4.0:
More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor...
% 4.1:
Just one or two bugs this time. Honest.
% 5.0:
We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.
% 6.0:
We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing that we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.
% 6.1:
Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner. They're talking about obselescence planning but theyl'l try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses the.....................
> 1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. > > 2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key > > 3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. > > 4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. > > 5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. > > 6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. > > 7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. > > 8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL > > 9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN > > 10. <-------- The information went data way -------- > > 11. Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression > > 12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. > > 13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding > > 14. The name is Baud......, James Baud. > > 15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! > > 16. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! > > 17. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. > > 18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. > > 19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" > > 20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. > > 21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) > > 22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups. > > 23. E Pluribus Modem > > 24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) > > 25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny > > 26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. > > 27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. > > 28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)? > > 29. Does fuzzy logic tickle? > > 30. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord. > > 31. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. > > 32. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? > > 33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. > > 34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. > > 35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . > > 36. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk? > > 37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. > > 38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure. > > 39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... > > 40. All computers wait at the same speed. > > 41. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate > errors. > > 42. Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ... > > 43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... > > 44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... > > 45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! > > 46. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. > > 47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!! > > 48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? > > 49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. > > 50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 > > 51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS > > 52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS > > 53. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! > > 54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... > > 55. Go ahead, make my data!