Wacky Headlines and Classifieds

HEADLINES:

Governor (Knowles) wants more cash for kids
Quaker Oats to Cut Up 1,200 employees
Gators Face Seminoles with Peters out
Messiah Climaxes in chorus of Hallelujahs
Governor's Penis is Busy ("pen is")
Thanks to President Clinton, Sergeant Fruer Now Has Son
Clinton Places Dickey in Gore's Hands
Starr Aghast at First Lady Sex Position
Clinton Stiff on Withdrawal
Long Island Stiffens for Lili's Blow
Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free
Textron Inc. Makes Offer to Screw Company Stockholders
Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming
Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
Will She Climb to the Top of Mr. Everest Again?
Kake Looks to Sell Dogs for Pet Food
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There A Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide; One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited AFter 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in Ten Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock; Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
Bank Drive-In Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed; Teachers Request Training
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

CLASSIFIED ADS:

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers:)

Illiterate?  Write today for help.

Auto Repair Service.  Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale.  Eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and save!  Limit one per customer.

For sale:  Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.

Three-year-old teacher needed for preschool.  Experience preferred.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.  Salary
and Blue Cross.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by
hand.

Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.

Vacation special:  Have your home exterminated.  Get rid of aunts.

Toaster:  A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

For rent:  Six room hated apartment.

We will oil sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.

Man, honest, will take anything.

Used cars:  Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here first.

Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops!

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.